Friday, July 25, 2014

»Honesty Hour # 1: On Friends and Loneliness«

I'm currently sitting at my desk, listening to the rain and the thunder as it pounds on the house roof. The thunder drums along oddly enough to iTune's Country Summer Songs playlist. The thunder shakes the house and the windows rattle. I honestly had inspiration strike me like the lightning that is fighting to show itself outside, but as quickly as it came, I can't remember quite what I wanted to say.  It happens, but it happens to me all too much. 

This week was a bad one. I felt lonely and unwanted. I felt uninspired and just tired. But that's an My American Heart song. This week has been a frequent reminder that without a job, I'm currently just waiting for Robert to come home for me to be social. I honestly don't have friends. Hell, I don't even have a best friend. Its a fault of mine. I demand too much out of my friends. And when they don't meet my levels of satisfaction, I want nothing to do with them. Its sad and lonely. 

I used to have a best friend. We had grown up together in a way. We were neighbors at the same age with a similar upbringing. But as we grew older we grew apart. We went in different directions. But she came back. We grew close again but there was a fallout. I made a wrong decision. We didn't talk for a while. I grew up a bit without her. She grew up without me. We both fell in love with good men, we had similar interests again. We grew together, but this last time, there was another fallout. I expected her to put forth the same amount of effort that I had in our relationship. I needed the best friend, but she saw me as a fair weather friend. Someone who she could blow off at any point in time, where she would waltz back into my life and into our friendship at any time. You might think me being silly or stupid, but I wasn't having it. I was tired of being sad and lonely waiting on her to be my friend. So I made the decision to be sad and lonely but I wouldn't wait on her any more. I stopped talking to her. I removed her from my facebook, and I didn't know her on any other social media. I cut her from my life. 

And that was what, three years ago? I haven't had a proper friend just for me in the past three years. I thought I was doing fine, that I can handle it. But I'm not. I'm sad, and my heart aches in a way that I can't even describe properly. And I love Robert with all of my heart, don't get me wrong. Robert is a good friend and a great husband. But it's not like I can ask him to lunch so I bitch about him. I don't have someone I can take shopping who will give me an honest opinion that the outfit I'm wearing is shit. I need a friend who I can call at 2 in morning if I had to. 

But going back to that fault of mine, I demand too much out of what I'm looking for in a friend. Ideally, my friend would be a lady around my age, in a similar situation to mine, married or engaged. Not looking to have kids, or kids being far off in the distance. Similar interests in movies, books, and tv. Someone I can text while Project Runway is on, or someone I can invite over for a Doctor Who party. Someone who good to have an afternoon, baking and drinking wine, or someone up for some Magical Midnight Margaritas/Mimosas. Someone who fills the void of Sister from another Mister. But I demand way to much. 

Talk about honesty hour. What do you look for in a friend. Are you okay with "fair-weather friends" or do you like a friend who's just yours?

2 comments:

  1. I don't have a best friend either. Most of my "best friends" were really just in my life for a few years, and things always seem to happen that just lead to us going in different directions. My requirements for friendship just seem to be different than most-I would rather hear the truth, even if it doesn't match what I want, than be lied to. But most females I've met seem to want to hear that everything they do is of course correct & excusable, and that's just not true sometimes.

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    Replies
    1. I totally get that! Females do tend to supportive in a detrimental way. I need tough love from friend myself. Like If I'm doing something that I shouldn't be, I really need someone to straighten me out if I screw up.

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